As the seventh season ramps up with dead men, dragon fire and drama we thought we might take a well-earned break from tinfoil theories to answer some questions of the heart (and clear out some of the Ravens stacking up in the FIB office). We’ve asked Flea Bottom’s resident heart smuggler, Davos of House Seaworth if he had any hot tips for the tragically ignored, hopelessly lovelorn, and straight up fucked by love souls of Westeros we’ve all come to know and love/hate.
Despite offering an “advice column”, Davos is probably going to drop hella spoilers. You’ve been warned.
“My boyfriend won’t listen to me…”
Doctor Davos,
So here’s the deal. My boyfriend won’t stop interrupting me and ignoring me when I’m trying to feed him crucial information regarding the future of the realm. Seriously, what is his go? It’s like he doesn’t even care that his best friend is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. How do I curb his constant mantrums?
WildFlower15782
Dear WildFlower15782,
I hear ya, girl. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve tried to give advice to Stannis the Mannis and was promptly ignored. Can you say selective listening skills, much?
Here’s what you need to do: go down to your nearest fishmonger or brothel and pick up some fermented crab. Feed him a fingerful and he’ll be hanging off your every word in a matter of minutes.
“Help! I’m trapped in a Targaryen love triangle!”
Dear Davos of House Seaworth,
I am afraid my soulmate is falling for another man. Certainly, he is the better match: same height, same bloodline, the ice to her fire. But I have travelled half the world, for her. I had my greyscale cured, for her. I’m going on a suicide mission beyond the Wall, for her. Must I be relegated to the friendzone in perpetuity?
Hopelessly Devoted to Dany
Dear Devoted,
Hate to break it to you mate, but you might have been better off with the grey scale. Especially, since your impending heartbreak is sure to kill you. I’ve personally observed the way your competition stares at her *ahem* ‘good heart’, and it’s no secret she’s grown ‘used to his presence’. As I always say, ‘it’s better to wait for the right time than to risk everything’… but it’s as clear as snow you’re barking up the wrong dragon, Ser Friendzone.
On the plus side, don’t think I haven’t also noticed an uptick in your sartorial choices lately. That’s a fancy new cloak situation you’ve got going on. Might I suggest taking some comfort in that?
“I’ve brought my crush back to life 6 times and he still won’t take a hint!”
Doctor Davos,
I’ve been lying to my best mate. I convinced him that the Lord of Light has been telling me to resurrect him whenever he foolishly gets himself killed. Truth is, I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for the bloke. How do I confess my true feelings before he gets himself killed by a white walker?
Myr’in My Top Knot
Dear Top Knot,
You’ve really screwed the pooch on this one. Firstly, we all know this “Lord of Light” drivel is a big old bowl of brown.
Secondly, ‘nothing fucks you harder than time.’ But don’t get your top knot in a twist! Just tell the bloke before you both become part of the army of undead forever. Then you’re really fucked.
Or as a last resort… feed him some fermented crab.
“I’m supposed to kill my sister but she’s pregnant with my unborn lion!”
Dear Davos,
My sister has just informed me that she is pregnant… with my child. We’ve already conceived three children together, who have all tragically succumbed to the hands of our enemies. What if this child is destined for the same fate? Is she even pregnant?
I was under the impression I was prophesied to strangle her before the war ends but this child has just thrown a massive war hammer in the works. I may be a Kingslayer, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere and I’m certainly no child murderer.
DaddiezGoldenBoy
Woah there, DaddiezGoldenBoy, that’s super dark. In fact, “that’s completely fucking mad”. I might be a ‘love guru’ but I think you and your sister need a different kind of professional (psychiatric) help. Also, I can’t help but notice, judging from your pen name, that you might have some other (daddy) issues to sort out. Just steer clear of Dr. Qyburn, I’ve heard some real shady things about him. Honestly, maybe you should have stayed in the river…
“I’m falling for my nephew.”
Dear Dav-
No. You know what, I’m going to stop you right there. What in seven hells is with all of the incest around here? Is there something in the drinking water? I may be but a simple smuggler but it seems to me you all need to start casting a wider net – outside out of your gene pool. But ‘nobody mind me. All I’ve ever done is lived to a ripe old age.’
Need some advice from the always wise Ser Davos? Write into us below and we’ll pass your query along. No guarantees though, we hear he’s going to be a little busy sorting out a dirty dozen style mission beyond the wall!
Stay tuned for the next instalment of Westerosi Weekly! Catch up here if you’re behind.