Once again, this week’s episode of Game of Thrones whipped around faster than you can say “Great Onion’s raven, did Jon fly to Dragonstone?” In keeping with the apparently badass theme of this season, the third episode was jam-packed with intense monologues, smart-ass remarks and heaped servings of cold, Cersei-style revenge. This instalment of Westerosi Weekly will see us tear apart the ‘Top 5 Awkward Social Interactions’ that both rival Littlefinger’s blatant lechery and spell a little foreshadowing for our favourite contenders.
Spoilers ahead! If you’re not up-to-date, what are you even doing here? Make like Arya and head back North.
5. Daenerys “Not the last” Targaryen Unleashes Inner McGregor at Court
Who else felt a shiver of cringe when Dany, in her moment of complete cockery, claimed that she is in fact, “the last Targaryen”? Not sure about you guys, but this quote had us scoffing at the proclaimed ‘unburnt’ Khaleesi, and perhaps even a little flummoxed at the dramatic irony of the whole situation.There were rumours of Conor McGregor joining the GOT cast but we didn’t know he’d be making a cameo as the Mother of Dragons!
Despite an almost-too-perfectly-timed dragon swoop as he utters “I’m not a Stark” upon ascending the stairs of Dragonstone, Jon Snow still knows nothing of his true family tree. Can someone wheel Bran down from the North already? We’re ready to bask in the inevitable Targaryen revelation and scream at the tv, ‘Dany, ya burnt!’.
4. Bran Stark is the New Naboo
From the deadpan greeting to his sister – whom he hasn’t seen since Season 1, might we add – to his awkward revelation of spying on Sansa’s wedding and brutal rape at the hands of Ramsey Bolton, Bran has certainly slipped into his role as the Three Eyed Raven, and apparent perpetual tripper, with ease.
Between wishing Bran would whisk Sansa away on a Three-eyed journey, and wondering if he’d been dubbed over with the voice of Michael Fielding – his apathetic, enigmatic and dare we say robotic demeanour left us frustrated as all hell. Mate, Sansa has had to deal with Littlefinger’s incessant lingering and blatant advances, she doesn’t need another sociopath moping around Winterfell.
We get it Bran; you went away to College, smoked a tonne of Wildling hash and found your inner Three-Eyed Raven. Now get your head in the game, and show us Littlefinger’s deal!
The human pinky finger’s intense comment to Sansa (literally moments before Bran swoops back into Winterfell), “everything that happens will be something that you’ve seen before”, absolutely reeks of foreshadowing.
What the hell is Pinky up to? Is he in on Bran’s shamanic powers? Has Bran just wire-tapped every conversation in Westeros? Something hinky this way comes.
3. Cersei’s goes HAM(let) on the Sandsnakes
Cersei sure knows how to dish up a poetic serve of just revenge. Over the course of seven seasons, we’ve found that Queen C thrives in full monologue mode. So, of course, when it came to force-feeding Ellaria Sands a heaped spoon of vengeance, Cersei went hardcore Hamlet.
Sure, her poignant rambling helped build some suspense in what was obviously going to be the demise of one or both of the Sandsnakes… but was it maybe, perhaps too dramatic? It’s not like Cersei to relinquish even an ounce of emotion but she spilled the whole damn teapot when she choked,
“You took her from me, why did you do that?”
Nevertheless, Cersei reigned it in and inevitably served her poetic justice with that usual stony stare. Unless she gets her icy mitts on Tyrion, surely (hopefully) this will be her final, melodramatic monologue.
2. Wanna bet who can make the most inappropriate sex jokes this season? Euron!
Euron’s incessant sexual deviant comments certainly haven’t been as cringeworthy as the above joke (you’re welcome), but they’ve sure been bordering on inappropriate.
The questionable remarks to his imprisoned niece about his newfound Kings Landing notoriety making him hard, and then probing (and simultaneously taunting) Jaime for sex advice about Cersei… ahhh, let’s face it, both moments were hilarious. We’re glad that Thrones can throw in a coupla’ laughs for us amidst the seemingly social ineptitude of the remaining cast. Keep ’em coming Uncle Euron! Gotta let a little light into this otherwise Greyjoy storyline… okay, we’ll stop.
1. Olenna Tyrell: a posthumous thorn in the Lannister’s side
We’re calling it now: MOST BADASS DEATH OF SEASON 7.
Chugging down a cupful of poisoned wine with the fervour of a high-schooler downing their first cruiser, Olenna let loose a barrage of snide remarks and one long-awaited revelation in what may have been her fiercest tirade yet.
Telling Jaime that she was, in fact, Joffrey’s poisoner (and not Tyrion, whom he suspected) was both poetic and peak Queen of Thorns. Even going so far as to taunt Jaime with the details of his son’s ugly (but much-warranted) demise. It was a lesson in social nuance and quite frankly, shitting all over those who thought your death was in their favour. HA! In your face, Lannisters.
There was never a match for the Tyrell matriarch’s crude, sarcastic remarks and almost constant stream of insults. She was the bold bitch we either longed to be, or adopt as our thorny grandmother. Olenna’s anti-social, yet envious frankness will be sorely missed.
What did you think of the third episode? Drop us a mouldy scroll below, and meet us back here for the next instalment of Westerosi Weekly.
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