While there are distinct differences between the different generations within our society, there is one thing which unites us all. Nobody has ever experienced anything quite as crazy as life today. In 100 years, historians will be scratching their heads, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. But the answer is already right in front of us- we are living in the darkest timeline.
If you don’t understand the theory of the darkest timeline, you are not alone. The concept stems from an episode in the comedy TV show ‘Community’. The six main characters are at an impasse, and decide to roll a die to determine their movements. Therefore creating six different possible timelines. Number one is the darkest.
The episode aired in 2011, and since then the world has gone decidedly tits up. To prove this theory, I will offer 7 irrefutably crazy examples which prove that we are in fact in the darkest timeline.
A reality TV host becomes president
When Donald Trump first announced his bid for presidency, it was largely perceived as a joke. He was mostly known for being the host of ‘The Apprentice’, or ‘Miss America’ pageants. A real life Biff from Michael J. Fox’s ‘Back To The Future’. Definitely not someone you take seriously in a bid for presidency.
But perhaps it was because he was so chronically underestimated, or maybe it was a fundamental misjudgment of the psyche of the American people from his opponents; but Trump was on a freight train to success that just could not be derailed. Despite allegations of sexual assault and fraud, Trumps divisive rhetoric was enough to energise the nation and score him the top job. El Capitano.
His qualifications consisted of declaring bankruptcy six times and owning more than 20 failed businesses, including Trump University which was found to have defrauded it’s students. With no previous political experience, he was suddenly the most powerful man in the free world. With access to the nuclear weapons codes and all.
We are literally living out a storyline from the Simpsons, and that’s pretty dark.
Harambe’s death was an internet phenomenon that nobody expected. A 17 year old Gorilla held at The Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical gardens, Harambe was shot and killed when a three year old boy fell into his enclosure.
The injustice here stems from the zookeepers decision to kill Harambe, who could have been tranquillised instead. The fact that the child was able to enter the enclosure in the first place is a fault in the zoo’s infrastructure, and a mistake that cost innocent Harambe his life.
The gorilla became a cultural icon and a popular meme. Several memorials took place mourning his death, with as many as 3,400 people attending a candle-lit vigil in London’s Hyde Park. Petitions circulated critiquing both Cincinnati zoo and the child’s mother, which eventually lead to the zoo deleting it’s social media platforms.
Harambe’s death was an injustice. His was minding his business when a child invaded his home. Even then, primatologist Jane Goodall remarked that according to the video, Harambe was actually trying to protect the child. He died too soon. RIP.
The Honey Badger Somehow Becoming The Bachelor
When the honey badger was announced as the 2018 bachelor, I think nearly everyone had the same misgivings and intuition that this was not going to be a great season.
To this day, the Bachelor franchising choosing Nick Cunningham as their leading man makes zero sense. He is not conventionally attractive, he has wayyyy too much personality, and he clearly was not looking for love.
The fact that he didn’t chose anyone at the end was just the cherry on top of a train-wreck of a season.
Luckily, Bachelor producers learnt their lesson and brought back the vanilla, guy-next-door Bachie for 2019. But the fact that the Honey Badger made it on to our screens in the first place is testament enough that something is seriously wrong with this timeline.
‘Bad Guy’ Winning The Hottest 100
The hottest 100 has been a staple in Australian culture for decades now. When Triple J announced they were changing the date from Australia day to the fourth weekend of January, it kicked off a heated national debate and signified a significant ideological change in the way Australian’s perceive their national day.
So suffice to say, the hottest 100 is important, and people take it very seriously.
There is a certain amount of pretension that goes hand in hand with the countdown, which means that Pop artists like Taylor Swift of Justin Bieber don’t usually chart. It is a pretension that Triple J listeners are proud of.
The tracks are usually a mix of indie-pop, alt rock and hip hop. Which is why, when Billie Eilish’s electro-pop ballad ‘Bad Guy’ beat out every track from 2019 to wear the crown, people were pissed.
so triple j’s hottest 100 is apparently for non-mainstream artists but billie eilish was fucking number 1 ? as if she isn’t a mainstream artist with many commercial campaigns
— n (@metamrphsis) February 11, 2020
Don’t get me wrong, the edgy teen is a talented musician who produces some good music. It’s just that ‘Bad Guy’ isn’t one of them. The fact that the repetitive chorus is stuck in my head as I write this is a testament to that.
There is no nuance to the song, no sophisticated double meaning. Just a teenage girl enacting her idea of what it means to be edgy and cool.
“Make your mama sad type
Make your girlfriend mad tight
Might seduce your dad type
I’m the bad guy”
If ‘Bad Guy’ topping this years hottest 100 isn’t enough to convince you that we’re in the darkest timeline, the fact that Dance Monkey came in at number four should.
Meghan and Harry Leave The Royal Family
The British Royal Family are an institution. They have been around much longer than the Federation of Australia, and have held an important role in British society for centuries. The Queen is our head of State and therefore commands a great deal of respect.
Except, she doesn’t really. Most Australian’s could not care less about the Monarch, and it seems some of it’s members share that sentiment. In 2019, Prince Harry, hottest of the royals and his wife Meghan Markel announced their intentions to leave the Royal family.
Considering Australia had a referendum about whether to become a republic way back in 1999, the fact that Prince Harry and Meghan abandoned ship before we did just does not make sense. We are our own nation with our own identity, connected by nothing more than a shared history.
Surely, if anything it should be the other way around. A family stays bonded by the ties of blood while a nation outs grows its parentage.
This is a strange timeline indeed.
I love reality TV as much as the next gal. In fact, the trashier the better. Married At First Sight is no exception to this. In fact, it is as trashy as they come. But there is something fundamentally wrong when the trashiest show on television is also the most popular.
Reality TV has increasingly become the most popular form of entertainment on digital television, and it is a great way to escape from the demands of daily life. But when a television series produces more cheating scandals than genuine connections and toothbrush instances that make you want to vomit, it might be time to rethink its relevance.
I know I for one always feel dumber after a week of MAFS. Vocabulary like disengenuine somehow sneaks its way in to my vernacular, even though I know it’s not a word. I’m sure I’m not alone.
The fact that MAFS holds this power over Australia for it’s two month run is a mystery. It seems to be all anyone can talk about; whether it be co-workers, on the radio, or morning television. It is a mystery that can only be explained by the fact that we are of course, living in the darkest timeline.
The Entirety Of 2020 So Far
This year has been a doosey, so I’m going to have to break it down in months. We kicked of the new decade with a combination of smoke inhalation and anxiety over the possibility of World War Three. Bushfires left at least 33 people dead and Australia became home to the worst air quality in the world. Conflict between America and Iran ramped up when Trump approved the targeted killing of Iranian Major General Qasem Soleimani. The two nations engaged in tit-for-tat style attacks on one another, with Iran eventually declaring that it would no longer abide by the limitations of the 2015 Nuclear deal. Fighting between the nations has since cooled off but tensions remain high. And this was only January.
Coming in to February, Australia received relief from the unrelenting fire season in the form of another natural disaster. Flash flooding. Giant downpours swept the nation leaving thousands without power and damaging the nations infrastructure. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning. Across the pond, a different beast was brewing. One that we had never seen before. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, mid-February means one thing; it’s Corona time.
The Coronavirus, or ‘Rona as I affectionately call her, has dominated March and April and will probably continue to be the defining narrative of this year, if not the decade. Economies across the world have crashed and more than 170,000 people have died world wide. The people of the world are in a state of purgatory, stuck in lockdown for who knows how long. This, beyond anything else is definitive proof that we are living in the darkest timeline
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